I can't believe I haven't really posted anything lately, but trust me, it's not because I have nothing to say. I am just completely and utterly exhausted and am barely staying afloat. And not just physically . I am exhausted emotionally, just completely drained to the point where sometimes I just sit and stare off into the abyss while one kid is crawling on me, spitting in my face and pulling my hair, and the other is grabbing toys away from her and pushing her down. The good news is that I think I am FINALLY starting to bond a little. I have noticed myself giving her more kisses and hugs and having the desire to tell her that I love her. The bad news is that I feel like someone has sucked the life out of me and replaced it with some awful melancholy feeling. I sometimes feel completely emotionless and like I'm just a robot doing what needs to be done. If someone knows of a good book on post adoption depression, please leave it in the comments because I think that is exactly what I have. I feel as though I have completely lost myself. I am a mom and a wife but I can't seem to find me anywhere these days. The only time I see myself show up is when I am with our youth group and I start to feel alive again. My amazing friend and I joke about joining the convent and becoming nuns, because the thought of only having the responsibility to serve God is so peaceful. Don't get me wrong , I LOVE being a mom and am better at this than anything else, but it really is hard work, and on some days not very fulfilling. My days now are filled with fighting and arguing and Riley grabbing things away from Bee and me trying to make separate dinners for everyone in the house because everyone is so picky. I sometimes don't even get to eat because as soon as she is done I have to clean her up and take her upstairs to get changed. My kitchen is a constant mess, the floor needs to be vacuumed and mopped, and the laundry is piling up, clean and dirty. I'm tired of explaining to people why we can't let anyone hold her, because to be honest I wish I could just hand her off from time to time. I decided to put Riley in Bible Camp at our church for a week to take a break and that has created even more stress with trying to get him ready and out the door , and then dealing with some behavior issues that he has picked up. I'm so glad that we are homeschooling and I won't ever have to take him to school everyday because it would be so stressful!! And can I just say to all of you working moms, how the heck do you do it and stay sane? I could never handle a full time job and have kids. I would be a basket case and probably not a very nice mom. I give kudos to all the moms that have to work. I am however looking forward to starting our kindergarten curriculum in August and to having an agenda and a sort of schedule everyday. I think that things will start to improve when Riley and I are both distracted with reading and projects to do. And I really miss him. Bee and I were driving past the church today where Riley was and I saw him standing outside with his class doing their expedition and I just started crying uncontrollably. I was totally caught off guard by my emotions. I think that I really miss the way things were when it was just me and him and all of the things we did together and the closeness I felt with him. I feel sometimes that I've taken something away from him by adding another child. I see that he misses me and I really want to spend time with him alone but I think he's kind of angry with me, and he usually chooses to spend alone time with daddy instead of me. Anyways, thank you all for listening to my emotional craziness right now. I just needed to let some things out.
Update: Thank you all for your support. I had to sign on and write what happened tonight. This is just to give you an example of the craziness in my house right now. When I picked Riley up from camp, he was in his usual wonderful mood and refused to leave. I couldn't grab him while holding her and I had forgotten to bring my Ergo so I took her outside and put her in the car seat and left the door open . Then I went back in and dragged him out attitude and all. We got home and I made dinner for Bee and I and Riley decided he wanted to cook so he made some kind of toast sauteed in butter with onions, garlic, and parsley. No he is not a chef and had complete supervision, I never discourage him from cooking because I want him to have the same love of cooking that I have, even if it makes a HUGE mess. So anyways I sat down to eat and so did he, the kitchen was a DISASTER but dinner was pretty eventless. Bee loved the mushrooms and noodles I made and ate them up. After dinner I took her upstairs to give her a bath and left him downstairs to watch a movie in the kitchen. By the time I came back down with a clean Bee, he was passed out on the window seat. I turned the light off and went to play with Bee in the living room, only to be awakened by the sound of him waking and going to the bathroom. Just to forewarn you, Riley is a very deep sleeper and has these episodes that Jesse and I call "drunk peeing moments" where he wakes up (kind of) and just pulls his pants down wherever he is and starts peeing. We literally have pictures of him passed out next to the toilet with his pants at his ankles. ( Can't wait to show those to his wife someday). Anyways back to the story, I walked into the kitchen to find him , pants at his ankles, standing in front of the kitchen table, peeing all over the floor and the chairs. He looked like one of those cherub fountains, just not as cute. I just stood there watching in amazement of what my life has become and then I looked up at God and asked, " Is this a joke?". I can just see him up there laughing at me saying, " Have a sense of humor , kid" . I mean all I would have needed was for my dog to come and take a big crap in the middle of the kitchen and it would have completed the night. So I picked up my pantsless 55 lb boy and took him upstairs and put him to bed , then I came downstairs and proceeded to empty the sink, which was full of dirty dishes, and fill it up so I could mop up the pee. Now do you understand why I feel crazy? These are DAILY occurrences in my house, it NEVER ends!
15 comments:
Hi Kara,
For what it is worth, I totally have all those feelings too, about missing babe #1 especially. I am feeling really lucky that Miles is in daycare while I am home with Ada so I only have to deal with the shenanigans of one baby during bonding time and not manage the sibling dynamic. I really think you should reach out and have a friend or two over or meet up or just get out of the house once a day if you can (maybe you are already) - that really helps recenter me and reinforces that I do have a social life (or am capable of it), even if me and my friend are both tracking babies the whole time. It is SO important that you take care of you becuase you are essential to keep your family going and you are human and have needs too. Can Jesse watch the kids for an hour this weekend so you can get out? I think in the first few months of having a new family member home there is a lot of going through the motions until things start to feel real. That was true for me and my bio kid, honestly. I think you are right about homeschooling and getting more structure in your day - that will help. Feel free to email me or chat on facebook if you want to talk more.
Even though Aidan's transition to our house could not have been easier, I found that it was harder on me than Andy's turbulant homecoming. I didn't fully realize or appreciate how much I loved being totally present and attentive w/Andy. For quite awhile after Aidan came home, I felt like I was not being a good mom to either of them. Then I reminded myself of why we wanted Andy to have a sibling in the 1st place - to learn to balance others' needs with his own, to see that a family involves making compromises & helping each other, to have that special bond & understanding that only siblings have - those things were changing the person Andy used to be, but in a good way. I'm sure in the long run, it will be the same w/Riley.
Kara, this book changed my life and saved me from post adoption depression.
http://www.amazon.com/Post-Adoption-Blues-Overcoming-Unforeseen-Challenges/dp/1579548660/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1278010712&sr=8-3
Kara, I have been following your blog for some time and also have adopted from Korea (a little over a year ago). First of all, sometimes I feel as though working outside of the home has been my saving grace. I'm a teacher and home for the summer and that alone - these four weeks - have made me question my ability as a parent, but also as a parent that is also a person. You are not alone, and I can only hope - and know that things will get easier.
Kara, I know you know that I completely understand. I'm so glad that you're venting, as I found doing so myself was incredibly helpful. All of us who read your blog have nothing but love and support for you. Big, big hugs!
And someone share this site with me:
http://dontcallmemother.wordpress.com/
Hang in there - we'll get through this together :)
I am so glad you and Elizabeth are blog buddies because the two of you are going through the same emotions. About dinner, take care of yourself first. Make a dinner you like, and tell everyone else "this is what we are having". Riley can make himself a sandwich if he doesn't like it. Or he can have cereal. I'll bet Bee will eat what you are eating, because food always tastes better off of Mom's plate.
Hang in there!
Hang in there Kara! Don't forget to take time for yourself and to replenish your energy. You need to be taken care of too :)
Jess
Hey Kara,
I've been following your blog for a while now, I'm a 1st time mom my daughter arrived home from Korea last week. Know you are not alone in the world. I hope you can take some time for yourself it sounds like you need a break. Thanks for your honesty in your posts :)
Thank goodness the attachment process has gone well with with Caroline and I but I understand after coming home from China I felt like I was being ungrateful because some days I missed all of the extra freedom that I once had. Then when I went back to work I felt like a bad mom. I work for the school system so I am once again off work but sometimes I do bring her to my parents house and try to get five minutes for just myself.
We put so much effort in to bringing our daughter home maybe we have put too much pressure on ourselves
Oh Kara, I know how you feel with Riley. I still feel that way about Zachary. Our relationship has totally changed. We used to be so close and it was always just him and I. Now he often will choose his Dad over me. Which in a way I suppose is good because he was always such a momma's boy.
Two is so much harder then one. I struggle everyday. I would love to give Zach more attention and I can't because Adam is requiring most of my attention. There are times when I will leave work and pick Zach up first just to have alone time with him. So he can tell me about his day uninterrupted. I can tell you that the one thing that we have done and it has helped out huge is we do things just with Zach. He really enjoys that. We will do one thing for Zach that focuses on Zach and then another on Adam that focuses on Adam. The age difference is hard too. You just need to find that balance.
you will be okay. I promise. You really need to look into post adoption depression. There is a blog that I am following where she experienced the depression. Send me an e-mail and I will give you the link to her blog. Hang in there and just take it day by day.
Hi Kara,
I am in a very similar boat most days! I have a bit of a different scenario, my 3 year old is with a babysitter while I tackle attachment/bonding/maternity leave with Kellan. And I can honestly say that I end most of my days with an "I suck as Mommy" feeling. There are some good points to the day, but the bad ones can make you feel like you are doing something "wrong" as an AP. Am I wrong to want to let someone else hold my baby for an hour? Absolutely not. That is one thing that I miss too, being able to spend time with my older son and my husband without a screaming baby strapped to my body! Everyone says it gets better . . . so it has to! Hang in there girl, we are right there with you :)
Ohhh big hugs to you....
Oh, Kara I'm so sorry that you are so overwhelmed physically and emotionally. I agree with sarah, that I think you need to have 'some' time alone or with friends. Bee will still attach, even if you are gone one day for an hour or so.
((Hugs))
Hugs! Sending up a prayer for you. It WILL get better! Remember that in the long run it is a gift to have a sibling even though right now it doesn't feel like it to Riley right now. Thinking of you.
I bet that quite a few mom's have been right where you are. I know I was. Hang in there. It does get better, but it does take time. THe good things is that you recognize it and are talking about it.
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