Things Are Good

It feels like forever since I have posted so I thought I would take the time today.  I am happy to report that things are much better. Riley is finally starting to come around and is starting to have some good days. Not every day is good but he is trying .  Bee is doing great, she sleeps 12 hours at night and takes a 2-2 1/2 hour nap around 1pm. She is pretty happy during the day and only fusses when I put her down to do the dishes or clean. I started taking her to a holistic doctor and we are working on switching her off the formula. For one thing I am almost out of the Korean formula and can't find where to purchase it online. We tried switching her to milk and she started throwing it up so we went back the formula. I tried switching her to the E*rth's Best Organic formula, but that gave her really yucky diapers if you know what I mean. Luckily her Foster Mother bought Jesse a whole can of formula and ever since we put her back on that she's fine. I have been slowly adding goat milk to it and she's tolerating it well. I also got a recipe to make homemade formula that is made with all kinds of really good healthy fats and probiotics.  Riley has also started to really like goat milk. I even tried it and it tastes the same as cow's milk except creamier. It's so yummy. The two of them couldn't be more alike. She has turned into a picky eater just like him. She also refuses to eat meat so I have two vegetarians on my hand. She was trying all sorts of veggies and then she found bread. She is OBSESSED with bread. So now she refuses anything unless it is on bread. So I now have to make things that I can spread on bread. I mash avocado, make white bean and chickpea hummus, and I use the peanut butter spread that I make for Riley. She loves peanut butter as much as he does. She doesn't like sweet things unless they are really sweet. Like she will eat icing or pie but won't touch fruit or drink juice. I was thinking about juicing a carrot or some other vegetable and seeing if she would drink it. She WILL NOT open her mouth for food.  There is no way she will ever open her mouth for a spoon or my finger. That is the only frustrating part right now because she really should just be on milk now because she should be getting enough calories from food, but she is not eating enough. So I have to make sure that what I give her is full of calories and healthy fats so she gets the most out of it. 

As far as the attachment goes, I am still having trouble. Some days I do start to feel as though she is my daughter and then other days I feel like the babysitter. On the bad days I make myself feel even worse because I get disappointed in myself. I feel like there is something wrong with me because I'm having such a hard time bonding . It's definitely not because she is doing anything wrong. She is as cute as can be and I absolutely love her, it's just hard and I'm not sure why. It could be because I am identifying with her because of myself being adopted, or it could be because of the bond I feel with Riley and maybe I am comparing that with how I feel for her, or it could be that it is just going to take time. I know that she is starting to bond with me but we are so far off still from her being attached. I feel like she recognizes me as the lady who feeds her and holds her but I know she doesn't look at me as her mother.  My friends have all told me that this feeling in normal for both of us and that it will happen one day out of the blue where we look at each other and the bond will just be there. I can't wait for that day.  We are going out and about now and she is doing OK with that, however we had my dad over for Father's day and he was here for about 5 hours and didn't leave until after she went to bed and she had a really hard time sleeping that night. It took her a long time to get to sleep and when I asked my friends and did some reading , I found that it probably was because having him here for that long visit probably created some stress for her. She may have not known what was going to happen if she went to sleep because he was still here. Some of my friends have told me some scary stories about having people over too soon for long visits and their children regressed and had some major sleeping issues. It's hard to judge though because she does so great with people and she is very happy during the day, but I know that it's only because she is still in the "mommy shopping phase". So far everyone has been very respectful of the "no holding" rule, but I know it's hard for everyone to understand. Especially because a regular child at this age who had not experienced any sort of trauma would normally reach out to other people and would not have stranger anxiety, and so it is hard for people to understand that when she does that it means something different. Right now we want her to have stranger anxiety and to only want mommy and daddy, because that would mean that she is attached. But she doesn't do that yet and until she does we have to continue with the "no holding" rule. So we are taking things one day at a time. Last night I was putting her to bed and giving her a bottle while I was rocking her and she took the bottle out of her mouth and just stared at me for like a whole minute. It was really strange because I didn't know what she was thinking. It could have been "So , your my mom" or " Why are you still here?" . I'll never know I guess. Well that's it for now. Hope you enjoy the pictures.