Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Clarification
I just wanted to clarify some things. I'm not sure if I may have come off as being whiny and impatient with her or that we expected her to come home and just be happy and perfect. We totally expected it to be a tough transition. We knew she would be grieving and we knew her sleeping schedule would be off. I am just trying to make it work for her and us. I totally was prepared to co sleep for a while and do other things to help her bond with me. But she won't let me. I hear a lot of " Sleep when she sleeps" , I don't have that option. I have a 5 yr old and I am still a parent to him. He has needs as well. My husband works almost 2 hours away and can't be up with her all night and then safely drive to work every day. So I am on my own. I love having my mom here a couple hours at a time to help with things around the house, but she works and to be honest I don't want someone here all the time. I want to be home and I don't want a lot of visitors. I want to try to get her to eat something other than a bottle so that we could use that as and attachment exercise. And I am totally up to having her sleep in the carrier, but I can't sleep standing up and still be a competent parent to both of my children. I am asking for advice so that I can try things and find something that works. I don't have unrealistic expectations , I just want to help her feel comforted by me and so far I haven't figured that out. I know it will take a few weeks to get through this and I just want to be prepared. I am open to anything. I may sound like I am in a panic, but I want to help her and the only ways that I know how, aren't working for us. Thanks for understanding and for all of the advice.
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13 comments:
Kara, you are such a good mama. You want what's best for Bee! She will eventually realize this, I'm sure. I wish I had advice but I just want to offer my best wishes and support during this very hard time. We're routing for you guys! Many, many hugs!!
What I had to do w/Andy was to have a few sessions of letting him scream and cry and try to get away next to me on my bed until he would fall asleep...and I"m talking about him crying uncontrollably for almost 2 hours, multiple times for 3 or 4 days. He'd struggle to sit up, I'd put him back down, he'd kick and hit, I'd put him back down, etc. Eventually he'd tire and fall into sleep out of exhaustion. You may need to put her in the carrier, sit down and just let her cry for a few nights for her to get that this is where sleep is happening. Unfortunately, I dont think there's a "quick fix", something that is going to work the 1st time you try it...at lesat I never found one.
For eating, it sounds like Bee is not familiar w/being spoon-fed or eating solids. If she physically hasn't learned how to use her tongue and mouth to suck food from a spoon and manipulate food in her mouth, here's some things you can do to help her stengthen her tongue and learn some oral-motor skills:
Hold a lollipop and take turns sticking your tongues out to lick it. Do it 1st to model for her what she should do. (don't let her hold it so she can't bite off a huge piece and choke).
Let her lick yogurt/pudding/baby food off your finger.
Hand feed her something soft like a puff (we had to break ours in half). 1st put the puff right on her tongue. once she gets used to them, put them in the corners of her mouth, forcing her to use her tongue to get them.
Play w/straws. Blow in her face, let her blow in yours. Use a straw to blow cotton balls across the table. Use a straw to blow bubbles in a glass of water.
If she likes puffs, start dipping them in a tiny bit of baby food/yogurt to introduce new flavors and textures. Eventually let her do the dipping.
Hope that helps.
Hang in there mama! Praying for you and Bee.
Jesse told me you have been updating the blog on all the happenings and the pictures are very cute. Hopefully she adapts soon to the time change. P90X need to develop a program for expecting families where you hold a 20 weight for 90 days everywhere you go. Hang in there Jesse and Kara. Riley will love his new sister.
Hi Kara,
I'm not sure what that nasty comment was or who made it. All I know is that anyone who knows what it is like to go through an adoption knows just how you feel. Yes, it is hard. You do doubt yourself a lot. You do wonder if this was the right thing to do to your family, then you feel guilty for everything you feel and think. I was just in your boat a year ago. I am still having some issues. Changing someone's life is an adjustment, just like getting married and giving birth. You are a strong woman, and I know you will get through this.
Here are some things I hope will help you:
1) I love the lollipop suggestion. I agree. Sticking out her tongue is good too. Stick it out and move it from side to side.
2) I remember from our China education that you shouldn't look her in the eyes right away. I almost never looked at MeeNa at first. She would begin to cry and look away. Sometimes this prompted quite a screaming session.
3) Think back to when your little boy was born. Remember how being a new mom was scary? You probably had as many questions, doubts, and emotions as you have now. Your pediatrician is a great first step. However, don't forget your own instincts. Does Bee have an ear infection maybe? MeeNa got one right away when she came home. She had that infection for about 6 months until tubes were put in.
4) Your son's comment is so typical of a child. My boys sometimes say things like, "Mom, wasn't it easier without MeeNa?" It hurts, but their kids and innocent.
5) Sit Bee at the table, not a high chair.
6) Cry when you have to, enjoy your daytime, ask for help, and keep your faith. It is hard, it will get better. A good book I read is "Hang in There, Honey" by Sandra P. Aldrich. It so helped me.
7) I know this post is long, but YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE THE WAY YOU ARE - those of us who have been there understand! Prayers coming your way.
Kara,
I'm really glad you are posting this stuff so you can get the support you need. Also, some of this is really useful info for others going through similar experiences or about to travel. We are experiencing some sleep issues too...
I think it is fairly common for kids to regress in traumatic situations. Having had a biological kid already, it has thrown me off to bring home a one year old child whose needs are in a lot of ways similar to a newborn...constant holding, sleep and eating issues. More than just grieving their foster families, they have been stripped of the basic security of knowing that they are safe and are just getting their bearings. Or that is my theory anyway, I'm no expert.
I wish I lived closer so I could provide some help. I know you want to keep some normalcy for Riley's sake, but please do let people help you if they can. If you are stretched too thin, everyone suffers.
Am thinking about you guys,
Also, I'm so happy to hear that there are some fun times and good moments too! It is harder to enjoy those when you are sleep deprived, though.
Hey Kara. I don't know what that anonymous commenter said, but whatever it was ignore it. You are doing the best you can and want what is best for you family. Things do get better. I wish I had some good advice for you, but all I can say is hang in there and slowly you'll start to see positive steps towards attachment and in the sleep department.
I actually admire how honest you have been on your blog. Bringing home an adopted child is HARD. When we first brought X home I worried about how I would attach to him, but I was never brave enough to admit that. He cried a lot and wouldn't nap. After some time things turned around and life couldn't be any better now. Kudos to you for putting your feelings out there and asking for advice. We should all be so brave.
I do not think you are whining at all just stating fact and I can relate to being tired. You only want the best for both of your children and that is what being a great Mom is all about. I understand about not wanting visitors, but would only suggest you have friends or family to either clean, cook, bring you meals or play with Riley. (not to visit with you or to see or hold Bee.) Have your reached out to your social worker for any advice? (Not sure if that would help or not.) Hang in there.
Kara, You are doing great! I had a thought with the food too. They make those great nets that have a handle on them that you can place food in them and they can suck on them. That way you would not have to worry about her choking. The puffs are a great idea and Adam loves them. They weren't around when Zach was a baby. Good Luck with sleeping tonight. You will find a way to comfort her and she will realize that you are her mommy. Hang in there I promise it will get better. We let Adam cry it out. He stopped after a few minutes. I can tell you that NEVER worked with Zachary. He would outlast me and my husband. Good Luck. Let us know how you make out tomorrow.
Is there a girl or boy that you know in your neighborhood or from church that could come by and be a "mother's helper?" I found that extremely helpful when I was on bedrest and still had my 3 year old to take care of and I just could not do it all of the time. If you get a pre-teen or teen, you can get the chance to nap. I hope that helps.
Kara,
I've read over a lot of the comments from the other mama's and they are sharing some great advice.
It is so difficult at night those first few weeks home. And it makes it so much more emotional having another little peanut at home with you. My emotions would range from guilt to sadness to frustration to joy. The only thing that kept me going was the love that was always there (even if some nights you have to search for it.)
Brendan had some of the exact same issues with sleep that you are describing with Bee. Unfortunately, it lasted for a while, until we finally reached the point where we let him cry on us. Standing up in the wee hours of the night is painful! I tried to do it myself, but finally had to let Andy handle the initial process. For some reason, Andy was able to handle it better emotionally than I could. For a long time, that is how we slept. We also did the shift change at about 1:30 too.
Even though Brendan slept on the floor with his foster mother, he never did a great job with us. AFter about 7 weeks of sleeping on the chair in his room with him, we did a modified form of sleep training. If you get to that point, let me know. Another adoptive mama encouraged me through the whole process, and it was a godsend.
Finally, I just want you to know how brave you are, and how much I admire your honesty. The one thing that is obvious from all of the supportive commenters is that we have ALL been through this. You are not alone, and it WILL get better. Hang in there, and keep reaching out. We are all praying for you!
Kara
I don't have a lot of different advice, but I remember trying to figure out how I could sleep with D in the carrier (strapped to me) and sleep standing up myself. I actually asked my husband if he thought they made something that could hold me upright to sleep. I think he thought I was crazy, but he just laughed...and then so did I. He spent plenty of time with D strapped to him as well, so he understood.
It gradually got better. I could still have him in the Ergo, but he would let me lie down (not for a while though)...then we worked on transitioning him out of the Ergo (after he fell asleep, which wasn't easy)...then onto the mattress to co-sleep. We co-slept for nearly 2 months before starting to try the crib.
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