Well last night was another REALLY bad night. My husband was going back to work today in Sarasota so he decided to take the first shift. She took her bottle and went right to sleep with him. I went up to bed and he came up at like 1:30am saying she only slept for 30 min and had been awake since screaming. I took her and again like the night before, she was wide awake. I tried to lay down with her but she just screamed, clawing at my face and looking for someone who wasn't there. I did this for another 30 minutes and I thought I was going to lose it. I had to put her in her crib and walk out of the room and go cry. She cried and cried. I felt so bad but I just couldn't do it anymore. It finally woke Riley up and he told me to "get rid of her" . He told me earlier in the day that he wanted her to go back to Korea because he wanted some peace and quiet. So I put on his radio so he could go back to sleep and wouldn't be able to hear her. I went back in her room and put her in the Ergo. We went downstairs and went to the schoolroom and got on the Internet. We watched a Korean drama, a Korean news broadcast on you tube, Pororo, and we listened to One Republic and Sanctus Real while I played Solitaire on the computer. She was WIDE AWAKE. She would just stare at me and when I would make a funny face she would scrunch up her cheeks and make her ever so cute smile. I couldn't be frustrated anymore the minute she would do that. She eventually went to sleep and when she did I went into the living room and got in the recliner chair. We both slept until about 7 this morning. She is doing so great during the day it was such a disappointment to see that there had been no improvement at night. During the day I can put her down on the floor while I cook and she is content as can be. She spins herself around with her feet , it's so funny. She plays with her hands and her little toys. At night I can't put her down anywhere or even sit down with her. So here are my questions to all you mammas who have gone through this.
1. How do I get her to transition out of the carrier and to sleeping next to me?
2. How long did it take for this sleep issue to resolve once you got home?
3. What steps did you take with the sleeping situation?
4. If your child was only on formula, how did you introduce them to solids or even baby foods? She doesn't even know how to open her mouth for a spoon.
Please let me know what you all did? I am desperate for some kind of info. Thank you ladies!!
9 comments:
Our social worker told us to expect sleep issues for a good two weeks. For us, the worst was the first week...where she was like Bee...she would be WIDE awake at 1 and beyond. During the first 3 nights...we actually, or I should say (my husband) would stay up, watch korean kid shows and just be with her and then go back to sleep around 4am...she was also accustomed to night feedings. Then the 4th night when she started waking up, we'd comfort her, shh her, feed her and not talk to her. When we tried to sit up or stand up, we'd lay her back down, when she tried to grab for my hair, etc...I'd push her hand down and say shh...we did this technique for several more days until she got the idea that night-time is for sleeping. A week or so later, we cut the night feeding out and that helped as well. I have also let her cry it out the moments I couldn't take it...and she eventually fell asleep then too. Hang in there...unfortunately more time is what's needed as well...I promise it will get better!!
I know it's really hard right now and even though it doesn't seem like it, it WILL get better. She just came home so it will take a while. There were many nights I slept on a comfy chair with my son sleeping on me. Just try different things and see what works...try listening to soft music at bedtime--this has helped for us. Also, FYI--Our son slept in bed with us for probably 10 months, now he sleeps on his crib mattress on the floor of our room. He's never slept in his crib, so be prepared for that to potentially happen. Eventually she will be content with laying next to you to sleep, just keep trying in small increments. I advise against letting her cry it out. Yes, I know she's screaming and flailing and it's frustrating and hard, but she needs you right now even if it doesn't seem like it.
Our son was already eating baby foods and small finger foods when he came home, so I'm not sure about introducing these!
We were also told it will take AT LEAST two weeks just for her body to adjust to the time zone change. But, even after that amount of time, they are still adjusting to all the general changes in their life, may expect night feedings per what they were getting in Korea, etc. I think the only advice I would give is just to give it time and not expect anything from her yet. She is so freshly home and still grieving her foster family. It is so, so hard for your situation, though, with DH being gone and not being able to take "shifts" with her. Have you tried laying on the floor with her next to you (not the bed as she may be accustom to sleeping on the floor)?
Sorry, now I'm just babbling! Hang in there, give it a couple weeks, ask for help with EVERYTHING if you have those that can help (even with her if you need 15 minutes away!) and just try to remember what she has been through and why she's acting the way she is.
Oh Kara, I wish I could give you a hug.
1. THIS IS NORMAL. It always helped me to remind myself of that. Even Aidan, who adjusted so easily, took at week to get over the time zone change. Andy had a harder time and it was 3 weeks before he stopped screaming all night. Keep in mind this is all very typical during the 1st several days & weeks at home. I know for me, having realistic expectations helped keep me from freaking out.
2. Great advice we from our IA ped. when we brought Andy home and were going through the same thing: insist on co-sleeping at naptime. right now, you need to teach her how sleep works in your house. doing this at naptime is going to put the routine in place, but if it doesn't go well, its just naptime. plus, most kids are calmer during the day. at night right now, do whatever you need to do to get her sleep. if she doesn't sleep, everything is just that much harder for her & you. regardless of where you sleep at night, do establish a bedtime routine that begins at least an hour prior to bedtime - it should include things that calm her (bath, walk in stroller, quiet music, etc.). again, this is going to lay the foundation for how bedtime & sleep work in your home and that predictablity is going to help her feel more secure.
3. Now that Jesse is back at work, I really think you should enlist the help of a close family member or friend who can take a shift w/Bee during the day. You need to allow yourself a break to recharge your batteries. There is nothing wrong w/introducing someone else who will be part of Bee's life to her now and letting her play w/that person for an hour or two during the day while you get some rest. I did that once Chris went back to work and it is the only thing that kept me from losing my mind.
4. I had a few moments where like you I had to put Andy down and walk away. Obviously we all know that "cry it out" is not a good method for newly adopted children, but i think its perfectly okay step away for a few moments when you feel yourself beginning to lose it. better to do that than to scream at your child. i used to put andy is his exersaucer, turn on spanish cartoons and stand in the hall for a few mins.
5. As I said in another commment, we had the exact food issues. Our IA ped. told us at the begining not to even worry about this until sleep gets under control. Giving formula is totally fine - she is getting the nutrition she needs right now. Instead of looking at the bottle as a sign bee is "behind", consider it a time to promote bonding. Feed her the bottle while snuggling and talking to her and think about how much this is doing to teach her that you are the person she can look to for care...adjusting my mindset went a long way to keeping me from becoming obsessed w/what i saw as a major delay.
6. for the vast majority of children, once sleep and the initial intense grieving is under control, eating advances as it should. i can give you lots of tips to help learn oral-motor skills in a few weeks if you end up needing them. additionally, there are actually early eating therapists you can get for free from your early intervention if bee truly has some other issues going on. Andy was one of the rare kids who did have other issues going on, but w/therapy he was able to catch up w/feeding.
I know this is a long comment, but one last thought I wanted to add. I'm sure right now you are thinking "what have we gotten ourselves into? what have we done to riley? this feels like a mistake.". I know i felt that way at times. dont beat yourself up about that. what you're going through is hard and its natural to have doubts. If it takes a few more days or a few more weeks, things will settle down.
Unfortunately, I can't give you any really specific advice because our situation was different with bringing home a 2.5 year old. We dealt with night terrors for over a month--it was awful.
But I can validate your feelings. It is incredibly hard to bond with a child who is going through all this. The Ergo helps. I still wear my 3 year old in his during certain times (like this morning in the hospital).
As for her being kind of happy during the day and everything falling apart at night, I try to think about it like this. If you ever went to camp when you were younger, you would be so busy and having fun during the day, but at night when things got quiet, you missed home. You missed your family. It was really hard. It is like that for her but multiplied by about 1000. I constantly have to remind myself about this for my son who has been home over 6 months and still grieves sometimes.
Your son's feelings are so normal and (believe me, I know) so hard for a mama to watch.
It seems, for us at least, those first few weeks we all had a little grieving to do. Your daughter for obvious reasons, and your son's reasons are valid too. You and your husband are just trying to keep your head above water. I know.
It does get better. I, personally, think these really hard first weeks/months should be discussed more openly by everyone. You are not alone!
Kara,
First, it is completely okay to be frustrated and having a hard time attaching yourself. This is a transition for everyone, you included. It might be most traumatic for Bee, but it is hard for you too and it is okay to be frustrated.
I firmly believe that lack of sleep makes everything worse for everyone. It is SO hard to attach and bond when you are out of your mind with sleep deprivation, not to mention you have Riley's transition to big brother to take care of. Man, I am praying for you. Like others said, it took Seth about 2 weeks to be comfortable at night.
I also never was able to sleep when they sleep because I had to get stuff done without a baby on me or I was going to completely lose my mind.
Since you have to wear her in the ergo standing up, is there something you can lean on to sleep standing up? Do you have it in you to do a few marathon sessions wearing her while sitting down and letting her cry it out on you until she becomes okay with being in the Ergo while you are sitting down (then you might get a bit more sleep).
As for food, Seth had issues as well. To get him to open his mouth we put baby food on our finger and actually inserted it into his mouth. At first he hated that, but quickly learned that he liked what we were offering. After a while he naturally started opening his mouth for it. Puffs were great, but again, we actually would break them in half and insert them into his mouth to start. He was not strong enough to use his hands or fingers, so we had to insert everything for him in the beginning. Maybe something like that for Bee?
Oh Kara, more hugs for you! Thank goodness for our blog community so you can put your thoughts out there and so we can all benefit from these very helpful and thoughtful comments from other APs who have gone through it. Great advice ladies!! Thank you.
I will just offer some information about the sleeping situation. I did not have the carrier immediately so I held Doyle until my arms ached. I do remember watching cartoon network in the middle of the night as that seemed to calm him down. I also remember the first couple of nights that once he fell asleep I would slowly sit or lay down so I could sleep as well. Within a week or so, he was sleeping in a pack n play in our bedroom at night. As far as food, I agree the bottles are a great opportunity for bonding. I would also suggest trying to put food on your finger to see if she would taste the food. Maybe try to see if Riley would eat a puff and offer it to Ashley. These are only my suggestions for you. Hang in there.
I think you got a lot of good ideas. I would like to add the following:
When Alex came home, to help myself get thru the first few weeks, I would chant to myself (in my head) "today is better than yesterday. Tomorrow will be better than today."
Sometimes, during the challenging times, I would look at the clock, and count by 10 minute increments to myself. "I made it thru 10 minutes. I can make it thru another 10 minutes." Taking small steps is more obtainable for me, and made me feel like I was making it thru that time. The first two weeks are hell. The first 6 weeks are tough. No other way to put it. Take it 10 minutes at a time.
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