Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Today...Not So Good
Today I am completely frustrated. I really wanted to start the day by getting up early to take some time for myself and that never happened. I was so tired that I just slept in until 8 and then woke up to a screaming baby. I made breakfast for Bink and Bee and she ate the waffles and threw the strawberries and bananas on the floor. Then I made the mistake of wanting to shower and I put her in the pack n play in front of the shower and she just screamed and cried . I thought maybe she was hungry so we came downstairs for a snack and I tried to give her crackers, cheese, a teething biscuit, a cookie , everything I could find that she might like. She would put it in her mouth and then throw it across the room. I was trying to eat at the same time but apparently that is not allowed because every time I try to eat or do something for myself I get screamed at. So at 10:30 I had to put her to bed because I just couldn't take it anymore. We were supposed to go to my mom's to see her new puppy and by the time I got out of the shower and dried my hair, it was already too late to go because I have to be back by 1 for her nap. So now I feel like I'm trapped in the house because we don't have time to go and do anything. It may have something to do with her teeth, well it almost definitely does. Get this, the poor girl has 6 teeth coming in at once!! Yes, I said 6!! She has 4 coming in on top and 2 on the bottom. All molars. She really is happy most of the time so I don't know if they are really bothering her or not. Her gums are a little swollen but not red and she hasn't really been putting her fingers in her mouth a lot. It is so frustrating trying to feed her. She won't let me feed her at all, she just shuts her mouth and turns her head. I know she is hungry because the milk isn't filling her up like the formula did. And because she was never fed baby foods, she doesn't know how to chew and swallow food. So if she decides to eat something, she sucks on it for a while and spits it out. So she is probably really hungry. It makes me want to scream!! This post adoption depression thing SUCKS!! I read in an article that 65 % of women who adopt experience this as opposed to 12-15 % of women who experience post partum depression. And it said that typically it lasted anywhere from 6 months to over a year when post partum only lasted about 2 months. I am exhausted and overwhelmed and have no appetite ( not like I would be allowed to feed myself anyways), no desire to cook, and I cry over the stupidest thing. I mean really stupid. I watched "Rock the Reception" the other day and I was balling. Isn't that ridiculous!! At least Riley has come around and I thank GOD that he just goes along with everything and takes care of himself without complaining. I can't imagine if he was any younger and I had to do everything for him as well. I would definitely lose my mind then. I hope tomorrow is better. I hope I can get up in the morning and work out or something. My dad is getting me some kind of supplement thing for depression and some Fish Oil because I guess that's supposed to help. The main thing that I need to commit to is taking care of myself. I have been eating really poorly when I do eat and have been eating lots of cookies and drinking a beer at night after they go to bed . I think I would die if they went to bed and I didn't have my package of organic cookies. Seriously! I just need to get myself together and maybe then I will feel better .
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11 comments:
Oh Kara, I have been thinking about you a ton lately. I am so sorry you are dealing with PAD, there are a few other blogs that I follow that are also in the thick of it as well. I will ask Dan if he has heard of any supplements that may help too.
I hope she feels better soon and that you can get some relief as well. Big hugs to you I am sure this is a very trying time for so many reasons.
Not sure if this makes it better or worse but my PPD lasted for 18 months, and my 2 friends (who I met at different times while they were going through PPD) theirs also lasted between 1-2 years. I'm not saying that EVERY day was the feelings of "I CANT DO THIS". It just took up to 18 months before I started to feel confident in my mothering, enjoyed my babies, and felt like the cloud had completely lifted. I would say the first six months were like I wasn't even there and My mom had to take care of my baby and me. So, if I could offer any encouragement..it would be to A. try to catch up on sleep when you can B. Do some good cardio C. maybe seek out a professional that deals with depression. D. find a support group of some ladies that have dealt with ppd and pad. It helped me SOOO much. I have a feeling that things will pick up for you, even if it doesn't feel that way. Some days I just had to make myself go through the motions and then one day I started living my life and stopped wishing I was living someone elses. You will get through this and you will one day realize why God allowed this little trial for you (even tho sometimes I was very frustrated) God Bless You and your family. I hope that this comment is uplifting and doesn't make you feel worse:) Good luck!
Sending hugs to you, Kara! Thinking about you a lot and hope that this afternoon goes better than this morning.
Hugs and prayers Kara! Thinking of you!
I'm sending you a big hug.
Hang in there, Kara. Have you tried feeding Bee ice cream or such? That may get her to use her tongue and then swallow? What about the Korean baby porridge? Korean babies usually love that stuff.
Sending good thoughts an wishes your way!
You KNOW I hear ya, lady. I wish we could just hug each other and cry :( Not that I want us to cry... just that it feels good sometimes.
So, so frustrating, eh? And yeah, I gotta tell you... having two little ones? So tough. Olive still needs us for most everything, so it's definitely been a lot of work. I'm so glad to hear that Riley has come around.
And the no appetite thing? Totally hear ya - I eat b/c I have to but I barely taste anything. And I eat about half of what I used to and then feel like I'm going to barf. The bright side is that I've lost six pounds! :)
Is there ANY way for you to get some moments to yourself? Will Bee ride in a stroller? If not, can you handle putting her in a carrier while you go for a speedy walk while Riley rides his bike? I've learned that exercise does WONDERS for my mood. Fresh air, even if it's sweltering outside, can be so therapeutic.
have you tried Hyland's teething tablets? Those helped Olive. That and Calms Forte, which helps them sleep. Both are homeopathic.
And like I said... TV as babysitter is a wonderful thing on days like this one!
Big hugs :)
Kara,
I hope tomorrow is better for you. You are shouldering SO much right now - tending to the physical needs of three people while Jesse is away; I hope you give yourself credit for that. I hope you can find some support during the week so you have some good days too - a support group, family help, an hour of childcare here or there, whatever it takes. When I was on extended maternity leave with Miles it struck me really how poorly our society is set up to support stay at home moms and I found myself having to create new networks and paying for services in order to stay sane. Anyway, thinking of you.
I hope you have some small victories tomorrow. I remember crying when my sister-in-law left after a few days & thought I would never cry like this before and kept thinking how can I do this (my husband was right in the middle of harvest when Doyle arrived). I cannot imagine having another child as well. I remember barely eating once Doyle arrived. I also remember showering at night because it seemed like I did not get a chance during the day. Is it possible you could have someone help you clean/do laundry at all? Just a suggestion and you certainly do not need to take my suggestion.. Hang in there..
Thinking about you all the time. I hope you have some small victories today.
Sorry things are still so rough. I think its great you're seeking out information on PAD and being proactive about handling it before things get even more difficult.
I totally hear you on the feeding issues. Its so frustrating to lose the satsification of providing your child w/healthy foods and enjoying meal time together. We went through it for months and months and even w/the help of a early intervention feeding therapist it sucked. If she contiues to really only drink milk, you might want to consider talking to her doctor or a nutrionist about giving her 1 pediasure a day or mixing pediasure into her milk to make sure she is getting the calories and the nutrients she needs. Obviously the problem w/pediasure is that it fills kids up, which is a problem if she's not eating b/c she's being stubborn. But if she's not eating b/c she doesn't know how to chew, at least you aren't having the stress of knowing she's not getting enough calories and also it may help her behavior if she's not hungry all the time. Just thought I'd mention that since it was hugely important to Andy's health and my sanity.
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