Tuesday, December 7, 2010
In Need of some Major Advice
Ok so you all know that Bee has a screaming problem, and when I say problem, well that's doesn't do it justice. This is not whining screaming, although that happens sometimes. And it's not over stimulation screaming, although that happens too. This is just screaming, at the top of her lungs at regular intervals, with no purpose, every where we go. This screaming not only frustrates me until I want to pull my hair out, gouge my ear drums out, and scream into a pillow, this has gotten us some crazy looks and some not so nice comments in public. It is extremely embarrassing and one time some old man told her to shut up because he couldn't even eat his dinner because she was so loud. At the time I thought," what a jerk", but tonight I thought, " I totally understand why he said it, because I wanted to say it too". I can't take her anywhere which being here by myself all week doesn't help me. We go grocery shopping on Mondays and she screamed the whole time we were in Whole Foods. In fact the kids who check us out every week know when she is in the store because they can hear her all the way up front while we are shopping. Then we go to lunch with my dad and get the rest of our groceries at a local organic farm store. These last few weeks my dad has to walk around with her outside while I shop because I refuse to take her in because of her screaming. Our doctor has told us it's a behavior thing and that we should ignore it , that works sometimes but it's hard to do in public. At home we have been putting her in time out in the pack n play in the dining room when she screams, but not really helping. The problem is that she and I have come a long way in the bonding department and when she is sweet I just can't get enough of her. But with the screaming back and in full force, I just can't stand to be around her and it starts to make me feel awful that I feel that way. It is just so loud and so constant like Chinese water torture or like nails on a chalkboard. It literally drives you CRAZY!!! So I'm asking begging you adoptive moms out there, PLEASE HELP ME!! Tell me this will end, tell me something that you did that worked or at least tell me that your kid did this too and that this is normal, because right now I feel like I am the only one on the planet that can't even go Christmas shopping because my kid won't stop screaming. Thank you!!
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4 comments:
I can't say that we've faced this exact problem, but the first thing that popped into my head is "what is her reward for the screaming?" In other words, what is your response to her screaming? Do you yell? Do you ignore?
I read recently that little toddlers feel so powerless in the world that any time they make an impact on us adults, positive or negative, they enjoy it b/c it's a way they can affect their world, when they are otherwise little beings that get swept along with our every whims.
Ingrid has a shouting/screaming problem too, but it's usually in response to something we've said or done to her. For example, if we tell her to slow down while she's eating, she hollers at us. So what we've done is just calmly say "please stop screaming." We give her 5 seconds, and if she hasn't stopped, we tell her "if you don't stop screaming, you will have a time out." And if she persists after the second warning, she gets a time out.
I think the key is to tell her a consequence if she doesn't stop a particular action (the screaming), and if she doesn't obey, FOLLOW THROUGH with that consequence. Like if you tell her you'll leave the store/restaurant if she continues to scream, you actually have to do it. There will be a very difficult "training period" of unknown length, but she WILL get better. She'll probably get worse before she gets better, but stay strong!
Kara,
Might be worth mentioning that we also experienced a "backslide" with attachment/adjustment stuff. 5 months after A came home she out of nowhere got very clingy and regressed back to her old post-placement behavior. I have read in books and heard from APs that this is common once good attachment work is done and the child begins to process on a higher level what happened - old feelings and behaviors come up. For us it really helped to talk about it, and we did the three picture story sequence. I swear, our nanny said that Ada pointed at the pictures and made "sad noises" during the hand off picture. Her behvior turned around a few days later (or maybe she was just done with that phase?) Email me if you want more info on this, it's all in the Patty Cogen book. Good luck. I know this can be extremely exhausting and I'm so glad your dad is helping out.
I think you should calmly tell Bee that there is no screaming when you are at the store. Then state if there is screaming she will have to go home. (You will need a friend for this). Once the screaming starts, simply call your friend , who is waiting outside the store, to come and pick up Bee.When you get home tell Bee that you missed shopping with her and hope she can come with you next time.
At home make a big deal about using "inside voices", so you know that Bee understands quiet voices and screaming. Find a place like a park where Bee can scream to her heart's content. Take her there and let her scream all she wants. Afterward, tell her that screaming is OK at the park or outside but nowhere else.
Hope these give you more ideas to help with all that screaming.
I love these suggestions . . . the only other thing that I can add (from a teacher and fellow AP perspective) is to give both positive and negative consequences for the behavior that you want to extinguish. Negative = leaving store, time out, sad faces, etc. and positive (if she can be in the store without screaming) = meal of her choice for dinner, special playtime with mom or dad, great deal of praise, etc. One of the ESL teachers in my district started talking to me about simple commands for Kellan right now. A lot of stuff, he understands . . . but can be lost in the extra words. So, "Kellan, let's get your coat on to get ready" changes to "Kellan, coat on" ~ maybe for the screaming, it is just a simple "No scream" with a shhhh! and continue to praise her while she is acting appropriately. Best of luck and let us know how it goes!
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