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| The Cheese |
This bonding stuff is really tough! Some days are definitely better than others. At least I have something to keep my mind off of things so I don't get overwhelmed with feeling bad because I'm still not bonding with her as much as I want to be. Truth is it is just really hard to bond with a child that is completely unaffectionate towards you. I mean she has clearly attached or bonded with me because she prefers me to everyone with the exception of daddy, and she gets so excited when she sees me and she babbles mamama. But she doesn't hug me or give kisses or really even let me cuddle with her. She is really rough and intense about everything. She screams and grunts really loud. She squirms and doesn't like to be sitting with anyone for very long. She hits, pinches, spits, bites, pulls my hair, and scratches, but not in a mean way. She's just very intense and doesn't know how to do anything in a gentle way. We are working on teaching her "nice hands" but that's gonna take a while, I'm sure. She is not a bit frightened when we say NO in a loud stearn voice , instead she thinks it's funny and smiles and continues doing whatever it is you told her not to do. I think maybe her not being affectionate with me really makes it hard for me. I think I take it as another sign of her rejecting me even though I know that it's completely normal for the amount of time that she has been with us. I just see it taking a LOT longer than I had hoped to begin the bonding process on my end. I've been trying to wear her in my ergo a little more even though she doesn't like it anymore because she wants to be out. She likes being in my face and she just stares at me and gives me her signature cheese face. Gotta love that! It's so darn funny! So for now I'm just praying A LOT that things turn a corner and at least that I get a glimpse of her sweetness soon.
7 comments:
Hello Kara,
I think that you are to hard on yourself. You are doing great with Bee. It takes time and over time you will see more and more of Bee's personality come through. Zachary used to be rough like that all the time. Our doctor thought that it may have been frustration from not being able to communicate. I would have scratch marks and he would hit. It was very frustrating. Just keep hanging in there and I promise one day you will look at Bee and think wow I can not believe how far we have come. I still look at Adam and think wow look at his little personality coming out. It is amazing.
It sounds like you are making progress! Just so you know my sons (bio) have never been really affectionate with me and we have a great relationship. For one of them, it is rare to get a kiss or hug without asking for it...it's just his personality. It sounds like you are doing a great job and she is showing lots of signs of attaching to her mommy!
It has to be hard to bond when she doesn't do the kind of things that you think of as signs of bonding. Cuddles and kisses are great. If she doesn't do those it feels like rejection. I think, though, that she really is bonded in her Bee-like fashion. She has come a long way with you in a pretty short period of time. Every day is another day of accepting and loving your family as her own. It is a long journey though. It takes time.
For both my kids, I really found the 15-18 month age frustrating. New-found mobility and strength combined w/lack of communication is not a good combo in my opinnion! Both would hit, scratch, scream, etc. b/c they just didn't have another way to communicate their needs. At that stage both were less into snuggling and showing affection...I think that's just part of that stage of life. Unfortunately for you, Bee is going through that stage while you are also trying to bond with her and its hard to bond w/a kid that's pushing boundaries and discovering independence. I think you have come so far and even though it's a struggle, bit by bit things will continue to improve.
Love the picture, such a cutie! I hope there will be less hits, pinches etc. soon, I am sure it is hard to feel the rejection, but she sounds like she is making some great steps in the right direction too!
I'm sorry, Kara. It's hard to feel this way. I do hope her "intensity" gets toned down a bit so you can bond more to her. I think it will. Might just take a bit more time than you thought. Hugs. Love the cheese photo :)
I'm so sorry about the difficult days. I have them too. Parker is also very "heavy handed" and it's been challenging trying to work on "gentle" with him! I do think that the teething and the communication barrier make things so much more difficult. It's like "terrible 2's" times 10. P also had 8 teeth cutting through at some point. His molars (the ones we've been waiting on) *finally* just came out and I've noticed his mood has improved dramatically. I hope you see even more good days soon. Hugs!
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