Progress... Baby Steps

Ok, Let's start with the good. Our little Bee has made a lot of progress this week. She is now starting to eat finger foods, I have been cutting up our meals and offering it to her and she has tried everything. It doesn't always make it in her mouth or stay in her mouth, but she picks it up and attempts to get it there. We have been able to get her into a pretty normal routine during the day. She is wide awake for most of the day and is a pretty happy baby. I can finally put her down on the floor in the kitchen to play while I cook or do dishes, and she is pretty content and occupies herself pretty good with little fussing. She is allowing me to hold her and feed her the bottle instead of her holding it. She is also very close to walking. She pulls herself up on everything and can get her balance enough to stand on her own for a few seconds. She is always on the move, so I know it won't be long. I feel that she has made HUGE progress in this last week and am very happy about that. Nightime though is still a BIG problem area for us.

WARNING!!! Content in the rest of the post may be TOO honest for some!

Read at your own risk!!

This is where it gets REAL. This is by far the HARDEST thing I have ever done. Trust me, childbirth was a piece of cake compared to this. My recent posts may have some of you thinking that I am being impatient or expecting too much too soon, or even that I may not be the type of mother to go to great lengths to comfort my baby. Really none of these are true. I have been fortunate enough to have experienced what it is like to bond with a child through pregnancy and then birth and it is totally different. I have had all this time, and then some because of the loss of our first referral, to dream and fantasize about how this homecoming would go. Because I knew what it was like with Riley, that is what I fantasized about. Being able to hold her for the first time, give her a bath for the first time, and rocking her to sleep. Never did the fantasy include a child that screamed frantically while I did these things. I just had no idea how hard this would be. I just assumed, maybe foolishly, that it would feel the same as it did with Riley. I was not prepared to hold her and feel like I was holding someone else's child. I absolutely adore her and I want to be her mommy and to be able to love her and comfort her. I want to be able to have this connection that I thought we would have through adoption. Of course I'm sure that will happen when she is able to talk with me about her adoption and me to her about mine.  I know it will take time and it is going to be a learning process for both of us. Her learning to trust me and learning that I am her mommy for life, and me learning everything about her, her likes and dislikes, and learning that she is the daughter I dreamed about for so long. I think that this last week I was taking it personally that I couldn't comfort her, soothe her, or make it better for her. That is really hard to deal with because with Riley, we had that mother/child bond instantly. I knew instinctually what he needed at all times. And even when we went through some pretty hard transitions, I still could figure out what he needed. When he was 3, I slept in his room on the floor for over 6 months because he had night terrors and that was what he needed. So I would totally go to great lengths to soothe her if I instinctually knew what to do, but we don't have that bond and may not for a while. And today, I'm okay with that because I know it will happen some day. I have had this awful wandering guilt in my head this last week and have been seriously making myself miserable thinking that I was the one who was doing something wrong. Now I understand that it is not about me, it is about her and this hard transition she is going through. She is transitioning to different parents, different time zones, different smells, different sounds, different everything and it is so very hard for her. I just have to do what I can, when I can to help her, and do it with the understanding that I may not be able to help her every time because I just don't have that instinctual bond with her yet and I shouldn't expect myself to. I had a wonderful first visit with our social worker today and she was so encouraging and really made me feel so much better. I love you Jennifer!!  I feel renewed with a more positive attitude and hope to continue to look for only the small steps we are making forward and not focus so much on the steps backward that we will occasionally take. I also got a wonderful and supportive email from a friend who has recently gone through the exact same thing very recently and that has helped me tremendously!! Thank you so much Christy!! It really does help when someone tells you you are not alone. And of course it helps even more that we have the most awesome church family that have held us up in prayers and loved and supported us over the last couple years. I love you all Cornerstone Family!! We were able to take Bee to church this morning for the first time and boy did that feel good! Listening to praise music and hearing the word of GOD all while rocking a sleeping baby. Perfect!!  So on to a new week with nothing but positive thoughts! AMEN!!