This post is hard for me to write, mainly because it is 1:30 in the morning and I am exhausted. Now that we are into Day 2 I really wanted to #1 let everyone know how we are doing and #2 again go over some attachment things that we are experiencing. When she got off the plane she went right to me and was in a great mood and it was amazing. To everyone including myself it would seem that she was doing great and had a great disposition. When we got home that night things were very different. I was able to experience some of what Jesse had in the hotel room in Seoul. I wore her in the Ergo ALL NIGHT. She cried every time I tried to put her down or even sit or lay down. I was overwhelmingly exhausted! Today was better and we were able to sit her down and kind of distract her for a few moments so she didn't cry. I was also able to put her in the stroller and get her to fall asleep so I could sit down by myself and relax a little. Tonight I tried to get her to lay next to me or on me in bed so we could fall asleep together. Not so good. She cried for about an hour , climbing up into my neck all while I was trying to comfort her by rubbing her back. She did end up falling asleep for about an hour and then she woke up. I was so frustrated that I put her back in the carrier and tried to lay down with her again. Once again she does not want to lay down. And after being bit 4 times and my hair constantly pulled I decided to get up with her in the carrier. She is teething majorly. I can see at atleast one tooth on the bottom getting ready to poke through and it also looks like one of her back molars on the top has already poked through a little. So I am sure this is causing some of this, but not all of this. Her foster mother co slept with her and I was trying to do the same thing to help her form an attachment. But she constantly looks around screaming and you can tell that she doesn't want me, she is looking for her foster mother. It's so sad and it's making it even hard for me to attach to her because I'm trying not to lose it myself.
She also is not eating solid foods or baby foods, just formula. I know she is kind of interested so I have been trying to give her things to try. I was able to put some baby food on my finger and give it to her but she does not know how to open her mouth for a spoon. She is starting to put things like puffs and soft fruit in her mouth but she won't eat it. Baby steps I guess. It's really hard though. She will be 13 months on Wednesday and yet developmentally she is like a 6 month old. That is making this even harder for me. We were able to give her a bath tonight and she loved it. It was the first time that Jesse and I were able to put her down without her screaming.
I guess the point of this post is to show everyone that she is having a hard time. Even though she seems to be doing well and is adjusting well because she is ok in my arms and seems happy, she does have attachment issues. The fact is that she would probably go to anyone and let anyone hold her. Unfortunately that means that she has no idea if I am just a stranger or her mother. She may seem social, happy, and personable to everyone else and you make think that us asking others, even family to not hold her is a silly request because of her actions and willingness to go to anyone. But allowing others to hold her is just reinforcing to her that she has no idea who her parents are and that mommies and daddies are replaceable. We need to prove to her that we are her parents. So if she reaches out to you , we ask that you redirect her attention to us. She cannot have a true relationship with anyone else until she has one with her mommy and daddy. And above everything else, if you would like to help, please pray. Pray for her , for her grieving to subside and for her transition to go smoothly and quickly, and please pray for us and that we keep our sanity and find our faith in this crazy time. Thank you all for all of your wonderful comments and prayers these past few days. We love you all.
22 comments:
Oh Kara hang in there. Zachary was like this when he first came home. He came off the plane happy, going to everyone at the airport. When we got home oh my what a different story. He would scream all night long and I would get him to sleep in my arms, I would go to put him down he would scream and scream and scream. He did not want to co-sleep at first either. What else made it hard was he did not want ANYTHING to do with Dennis. I was sooooo exhausted. He would hit and scratch and carry on. I understand what you are going through right now and it will get better. Good Luck and get any sleep whenever you can. For Zachary after the first week things were much better not 100% but better.
Oh Kara - I know where you're at right now. P did some of the same things the first days home. I felt beat up during his first week home. He would grab for me but push me away at the same time. He would scream, see my face, and then scream even louder. At times I got him to fall asleep as he was pushing my face with all his might. It is so hard. :( Like Bee, he also only wanted formula. We kept giving it to him while introducing other foods. We saw improvement with his eating as each week passed by. Today he is eating all kinds of food. I think it is great that you are focusing on attachment. Feel free to e-mail me any time. Hang in there - it really will get better.
Kara,
I'm putting good thoughts out for your family and Bee. I cant imagine how hard this is but you are a caring, strong woman and you have the patience to be a great mom. Hang in there!
Jess
Oh, I feel for you all. Little D did the same thing at first. I remember wearing him in the Ergo ALL THE TIME, especially at night. I remember feeling exhausted and out-of-my-mind tired. Slowly, he tolerated lying or sitting down with us. However, he was younger (by a few months), so there was less grieving/searching for the FM. However, initially he went to everyone equally well, which we had to work on...you are doing the right thing to reinforce who is mommy & daddy. Hang in there!!
Praying for you, DH, Riley and sweet Ashley. Those first couple weeks are the absolute hardest, but it will get better day by day.
Kara you are amazing and my heart goes out to all of you right now. If there is anything we can do, drop off dinner, energy bars, etc. let us know. It may not be completely organic, but I'll do my best. Lots of prayers for all of you!♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
I'll be praying for you. I can't imagine how tired you must be. Sending good thoughts your way.
Kara, you and Jesse are doing everything right. Love on her and she will get everything figured out and will return your love. The first week can be very hard. Feel free to reach out to those who have gone through the first weeks... we will help out as much as we can with suggestions and support! Hang in there and be sure to take good care of yourself!
It will get better. Before long she will not remember life before you. Caroline was 11 months when we got her and the one thing that really helped was the stroller. She was happy as long as she was in the stroller. I think she slept the first two nights in the stroller. Good luck my prayers are with you.
She is a beautiful girl!
Oh Kara, I am sure you are exhausted. Sounds like you are doing everything you possibly can to work on her attachment and comfort during this huge shift in her life. Hang in there, prayers coming your way. I hope you start to see little rays of light soon!
I feel for you. We've been there before, and I will be in your shoes come Saturday. It is rough but will get better. A suggestion I read was to write down things that are working (foods, attachment strategies, toys, etc.) and good moments. At the end of the week you can look back and see that you HAVE made progress and it will help you remember what works. I hope you get some rest and Ashley finds some peace. I will be praying for you all!
Kara,
I think is is great that you are being honest with yourself and allowing yourself to be frustrated...this is a transition for all of you, not just Ashley (although it is hardest on her). Like others said, you are doing everything right. Follow her lead and just keep capitalizing on the little victories. They will continue to grow.
Your post reminds me of when we first got Doyle. He also was almost up the entire first night and I remember being tired. I was thrilled the first time we were able to change his diapers and he did not cry. It will get better but I know it does not seem that way now. Doyle's foster mom slept with him as well. Now at 2 he goes right into bed. Take care
Sending up a prayer. It will definitely get better but I can't even imagine right now what it's like (yet). Good luck and try to get some sleep at some point. Hang in there.
The first few days were the hardest thing I've ever experienced in my life..times ten.
I too had bruises all over my body from Gabe climbing up me and just being so unhappy and confused. After about 2 weeks (once the jet lag was gone) things got remarkably better.
I agree with Cori...I'm glad you are being honest about how hard this is and that it is a transition for everyone.
I'm thinking about you, Jesse, Riley and of course Ashley Bee.
I'm sure everyone has said similar things, but I may as well offer my support as well :)
This part is sooooo hard. Clearly, judging by the many comments here, you're not alone. All of Bee's behaviors are very normal. Of course, it doesn't make it any easier to take right now. But just think of this period as the worst of it. You'll go up and down a lot, but it *does* get better than this. Sleep when you can, treat yourself right, and hold on tight to that little girl.
And unsolicited advice: let her drink formula! It's ok, plus it's great bonding for you with her. Make sure she makes eye contact with you when she's taking her bottle. Don't let her hold it herself; make sure you're holding it. One other thought I had was to try offering her food with chopsticks instead of a spoon - O was VERY accustomed to eating of chopsticks... maybe it'll help?
(Please disregard if you don't want any advice) :)
HUGS!!!!
Kara - this is my post, did you copy it? Just kidding. I experienced THE EXACT SAME THING!! I totally understand. Be reassured that this will go away in just a few months. It's been over a year now (April 10th) and things are getting SUPER SUPER easier. Yes, I agree about anyone holding her. Too bad you don't live in Illinois. We have a program with the state called Early Intervention. MeeNa was delayed when we got her too. No table food, couldn't sit alone, just like an infant. She is going to grow in leaps and bounds. I wish I could talk to you on the phone. I'm a teacher and off for the summer now. Email me if I can call you. MeeNa never wanted to cosleep. It's almost heaven sent though because she goes to sleep like an angel. Go into this with prayers and whatever sleep YOU can get. Expect it to take about 1 year, and if it's earlier you'll be pleasantly pleased. I'm saying prayers for you. Let me know about the issue you mentioned that may be like MeeNa.
Oops Kara, I must be logged in under hubbies name "mike." It's Judy.
I don't have anything *new* to offer, but wanted to add my support and another post of "I've been there too!". Andy did all the things you are describing - screaming ALL. NIGHT. LONG. crying "mama, mama, mama" for his foster mom, hitting, scratching, refusing to be put down, etc. It is so hard to handle. As everyone said, it does it get better - sometimes in a few days, sometimes in a few weeks - but it does get better.
We had the feeding issues and developmental delays as well. My advice as someone who has been there, is try not to worry about that a right now. Focus on getting Bee more comfortable w/you and on a regular schedule. There is nothing wrong w/continuing formula - don't worry about that right now. Use bottle feeding as a way to provide comfort and letting her see you give her something she likes. Often times children regress when they are dealing w/stress - it may be in a few weeks she will just start eating solids and let you wean her from the bottle. If not, every state offers free developmental evals & therapy through Early Intervention - just kmnow that's there if it becomes necessary, but don't worry about that now.
You are doing all the right things for her. Make sure the be kind to yourself and give yourself a break - even if its 10 mins in the shower or just going into your room and closing the door for a few mins.
Hang in there momma!
Kara-I remember those days. This is such an honest post, and I'm so glad you shared all of this. It's hard to believe, but it WILL get better. Brendan was the same way. I remmeber being SO happy the first night I could sit down in the straight backed office chair with him. But we eventually got ther, and I do think that going through it together helped us bond. I would try to make mental notes of all the cute things he did during the day so I wouldn't lose it at night. Good luck! Sending prayers your way!
Oh, Kara, this sounds so hard! Thank you for your honesty. I need to prepare myself for similar issues when Max is home. It's comforting to read everyone's comments who have been there and say it DOES get easier. You are just in the very, very difficult zone right now .... hugs.
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